Why We So Often Live by Other People’s Expectations

It is often easier for a person to orient their life around what others expect rather than around their own desires. This tendency has deep evolutionary and psychological roots. Humans survived as a species thanks to cooperation, shared labor, and group protection. In early human communities survival outside the group was nearly impossible, so acceptance by others became a biological necessity. Even today our safety, education, and social stability depend on the work and support of many people. Because of this, the human brain developed a strong need for belonging and approval, and rejection began to be perceived as a serious threat.

Neuroscientific research confirms this connection. Studies by Naomi Eisenberger show that social exclusion activates the same brain areas as physical pain. This means that rejection is not just emotionally unpleasant but biologically alarming. The brain reacts automatically, without conscious control, pushing a person to restore acceptance as quickly as possible. Wanting to be liked and approved of is therefore not a weakness but a built in survival mechanism that helped humans stay alive.

While the fear of rejection is universal, the way people learn to deal with it is shaped in childhood. If a child receives warmth, love, and attention mainly when they behave conveniently or meet expectations, they quickly learn that acceptance must be earned. Many families reinforce this idea by emphasizing how a child looks in the eyes of others, comparing achievements with peers, or treating mistakes as shameful. Over time the child internalizes the belief that love and safety depend on pleasing others.

School and early social environments strengthen this pattern. Public criticism from teachers, ridicule from classmates, and the social rewards given to high achieving students teach children that approval is conditional. Adolescents learn to adapt themselves to different groups at once, often suppressing their own needs to avoid rejection. Negative reactions tend to leave a deeper mark than positive ones, turning the natural need for belonging into a rigid strategy of self denial.

Living according to other people’s expectations can feel comfortable at first. It offers clarity, reduces conflict, and brings social approval. However, this comfort comes at a high psychological cost. Over time an inner conflict develops between what a person feels they should do and what they truly want. Personal desires may become suppressed or completely ignored, leading to emotional exhaustion, irritability, anxiety, and a constant fear of making mistakes. When self worth depends on external approval, confidence becomes fragile and easily shaken by criticism.

One of the most serious consequences is the gradual loss of connection with one’s own desires. When a person is constantly adapting to others, it becomes difficult to understand what they genuinely want. Life can start to feel like it is being lived according to someone else’s script rather than one’s own values and needs.

Returning attention to personal desires begins with awareness. It is important to notice how often decisions are made to please others rather than oneself. Not every compromise is harmful, and sometimes choosing convenience over desire is practical. The problem arises when there is no space left for personal wants at all. Asking simple questions such as how much a choice aligns with one’s own wishes helps rebuild this awareness. Writing down desires, even small or unrealistic ones, can also be useful. Taking small steps toward what feels interesting and light helps restore trust in oneself.

Wanting approval is natural and deeply human. Yet a life built entirely on external expectations often leads to burnout, insecurity, and emotional emptiness. Reconnecting with oneself does not require radical change. It begins with small, honest moments of listening inward and allowing personal desires to exist alongside the needs of others.