When We Live Someone Else’s Life
Sometimes we live as if playing a role that is not our own. Not because we want to pretend, but because the habit of meeting the expectations of family, society, or a partner becomes stronger than our own desires. We adjust to a predetermined script even when it no longer feels convenient or alive for us.
Every life role exists for a reason. Partner, parent, employee, friend. Each is meant to provide something: a sense of being needed, love, support, and value. When roles truly fulfill us, an inner feeling of freedom and stability emerges. But if essential needs remain unmet, internal conflict arises. In such cases, a person lives not as they are, but as they feel forced to.
When roles stop working, shadow forms appear. Familiar masks of the victim or rescuer emerge. These are ways to gain attention and significance indirectly. By saving others, one can feel needed. By taking the victim’s position, one can receive sympathy and care. These strategies do not make a person bad. They are simply painful attempts to fill what is missing.
This is how the Karpman triangle forms. An invisible space where people take turns being rescuers, accusers, and helpless. Most often, this is not driven by a desire to manipulate, but by a lack of other ways to cope with feelings and needs.
Breaking the cycle begins with an honest look at your roles. What do I get from this role? Do I feel joy, warmth, and acceptance? Or do I more often feel tension, anxiety, and fatigue? Sometimes simply acknowledging something like I need more support or I need more warmth can already shift your inner state.
It is useful to list your roles and note next to each what it provides and what it lacks. This helps to see where emptiness appears and where we begin hiding behind masks.
When clarity arises, the possibility to live authentically returns. Not to pretend, not to adapt, not to survive under the expectations of others. But to build life and relationships in a way that allows space for your true feelings and needs.
