Why People Avoid Closeness

Avoiding closeness is not a whim or coldness. It is a deep internal defense mechanism. A person may not even understand why they distance themselves from others, but almost always it stems from old wounds, fears, and beliefs that once helped them survive and now interfere with building relationships. Simply put, avoidance is a state in which a person both wants love and fears it.

There are many reasons for such behavior. Some people have had traumatic experiences such as betrayal, abuse, humiliation, or sudden rejection. After such events, the psyche builds walls around the heart to prevent further pain. Others fear losing their freedom and merging with a partner. Some have such fragile self-esteem that any closeness feels like a threat of exposure. There are also those who grew up with emotionally distant parents. In such families, distance becomes normal because otherwise it was impossible to exist. Sometimes avoidance is disguised as waiting for the perfect moment or the desire to become better first, postponing relationships indefinitely.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, work with avoidance focuses on awareness and gradual steps. First, a person learns to notice moments when they start to withdraw. What thoughts arise at that moment, what feelings come up, what triggers the desire to close off. Then, together with a therapist, underlying beliefs are examined. For example, I am not needed by anyone or relationships always end in pain. These beliefs are tested through real experiences rather than accepted as absolute truth. Small behavioral steps become important. A little more honesty, a little more trust, a little more warmth. Relationships are emphasized not as an obligation, but as a value to approach at one’s own pace.

If avoidance is related to trauma, EMDR can be an effective method. It helps process painful memories that continue to hold the psyche in tension. Through eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation, old experiences gradually lose their intensity. Emotions seem to separate from memories, and the fear of closeness weakens. Destructive patterns are replaced with healthier ones. Trust becomes possible. A person becomes aware that they deserve love. Past experiences do not determine the entire future.

Avoiding intimacy does not make a person bad or incapable of relationships. It is simply a form of protection that was once necessary. It can be worked with gently, gradually, and without forcing oneself.